A Punjabi Shallow Fried... Kerala Style

I have been living in the beautiful south India for quite some time now and love this part of the world, no questions on that and my occasional reminiscence of Delhi are usually hunger pangs...craving for the local foods.. the chaats, kebabs et all not that I don’t enjoy the varied cuisine here.. love it!!
A few days back I visited..revisited in fact an ayurvedic Kerala massage centre for a rejuvenating full body oil massage.. though I have been through this earlier and found no reasons to complain, Not that I am now.. the whole experience coming to think of it was a bit funny

If you have been to one of these massages... you may know what I mean.. firstly there is a nice looking dusky Malyalee lady at the reception, which should by no means raise your hopes of getting a lady to massage you, there is no place for such indulgences or tomfoolery in ayurveda..it is plain and simple.. get done what you are supposed to be getting done and get out of there...
Depending on where and what level of "service centre" you have approached.. the level of service, ambience, and hygiene etc naturally being in direct proportion to cost per massage... law of economics you see.. The one I get myself “serviced” is a decent one, meaning no 5 star luxury but decent with the right ambience,"presence" of hygiene and seemingly trained masseurs. In a nutshell Rs 1100 for a Kerala Herbal Oil Full body Rejuvenating Massage (That is an English translation which I think comes closest to the Sanskrit name, which I don’t recall and even if I did would be too difficult to pronounce).. Taxes included Saar!

Once you have made the payment upfront.. ayurveda is also intolerant and suspicious enough to collect it in advance..who knows what state of mind and body one emerges post the massage.. laws of commerce you see.. mostly directives from the CFO of the centre to mitigate risks of nonpayment.. after all you cannot forfeit or the centre cannot recover the massage after it has been rendered .. right?
Now off to the massage room..where the masseur .. who to my surprise ranges from either bone skinny ones to really hefty ones (Makes me wonder am I loosing the required pressure levels of the massage being handed over to the former or risking a muscle pull on account of being serviced by the latter?),mine luckily is neither too skinny to be apprehensive or too hefty to be scared of..
This room has a ceiling fan, a small dresser table with mirror (With a comb kept), a 3 hook strip to hang clothes, a kind of an electric plate which presumably is to heat up the oil, an aluminum enclosure presumably for steam and a big table something like 4 feet high 2 feet wide and 6 feet long made of wood I think with some kind of a covering on top to avoid the oil seeping into the wood and set at a slight angle to let the excess oil drain out, decidedly the pan to shallow fry a Punjabi.. and a stifling stench of oil and sweat and human suffering of enumerable souls who have passed this door before yours truly.. great.. I am already enjoying this! Accentuated by background music of Veena, mridangam and the other classical instruments which I am ashamed, I cannot name or identify the genre of music "Is that Carnatic??)

"Saar, please remove your clothes and “wear this" says my masseur. Very well, I start and just have a re look at what was handed over to me to "Wear This". It’s a small strip of cloth which is barely enough to cover the essentials and definitely not enough to cover "All" the essentials!! You see, it is an uncomfortable situation irrespective of one's sexual orientation to be so exposed to a fellow gender!! "Saar, this is ok, don’t worry"..ok man I take your word for it (Yeah right!!).He at least allows me the privacy to change alone , having left me with the request to lie on the table belly down, which I dutifully comply with, as now it is my 1100 bucks at stake and the financial risk has been passed on to me, so let’s go with the flow... I tell myself, so far there has been nothing rejuvenating or relaxing.. things will get better I tell myself.. this guy would be giving me a massage of a lifetime and I would feel light as a red bull bird (Gives me Wiiiiiiings!!), all stresses and pains and tiredness extracted from the deepest muscle by this simble, humble gentleman from Gods own country (Oh., did I mention earlier that the setting for this is Bangalore and not Kerala?)
He does return, after about 5 minutes, by the time am already feeling a bit chilly having been exposed to this cold surface and Binu (Masseur) having switched on the fan at full speed before leaving ..naturally to test the aerodynamics quotient of my almost naked bum and the rest in birthday suit body.. "Good for you saar", Binu replied when I happen to mention it "You will enjoy the hot oyel more when you are a little cold" Well good solid reasoning to make me feel better except that having been a chef in not so recent past "HOT OIL" usually reminds one of scalding deep fryers and Kadhais bubbling with oil which are oceans apart from anything comfortable, rejuvenating, relaxing, good for weight loss or any other adjective mentioned on the flyer which lured me into this centre in the first place

"Get on with it man", let’s do it and Binu in a very impressive manner mumbles a small prayer , my maker is my witness ,it is not a very comforting thought for a soul already apprehensive. "Saar soft massage or hard"? .. what a question to ask man.. I need full worth of my 1100 bucks.. hard as it can get for sure.. a decision I live to regret and tell my tale.. Binu pours some oyel and we are on our way to my fantasized Nirvana.. The oyel , I must admit is at a gentle temperature of being pleasingly warm but also stinks.. "Mikschaar of herbs and special oil Saar, very good for body", ok..do I have a choice but to take your word for it Binu? Apparently not.. A price a consumer must pay for his lethargy of not researching enough is total surrender.. I surrender to thee Binu...make me walk out of this place feeling I am gliding….

Ok some oyel is poured and he starts to work on my legs, thighs and working to the back..not missing a hard rub on my posterior (post which the "Wear this" has lost all its meaning and utility of covering the scantest modesty I was left with to start off) .. with a steady flow of more and more oyel, and I start to wonder with this much oyel being poured in me, how the hell am I going to lose any weight and dread gaining more not wanting to test my dermatological elasticity which off late has been under some stretch already.. "No problem saar, this oyel (oil pronounced this way by Binu) not putting more weight", adding no more explanations to it and me seeking none either. So far no relaxation, maybe will come later, I console myself. Binu is at the nape of my neck now and is kneading it with some vengeance, this is the point where is I am thankful to myself of having built a positive rapport with Binu thanks again to my vocation of being in sales and marketing, my neck is in his hands and I cannot afford a twist in it for a word spoken wrong!!

Having finished with me on the hind quarter, Binu flips me over on my back and starts working again.. with more Oyel and some more Oyel...this is where the Punjabi starts feeling like a pork chop (I would have loved to call myself a lean fish fillet but in all honesty I cannot.. yet) oyeled on both sides..more than generously I may add.. slipping and swooshing from one corner of the massage table to the other and the only 2 things hold me and keeping me elevated 4ft high is the vice like grip of Binu (Amazing this guy can hold me so tightly even with 3 gallons of oyel on me !!) and my own self holding on to whatever ledges I can find on that seemingly flat table.. It’s nice actually.. the first experience I am finding amusing and enjoyable thus far in the massage.. Binu is amused too.. though he doesn’t show it..

Binu is moderately talkative during the massage and throws questions intermittently like, “Where does Saar stay?”, “Where does Saar work?”, “Saar knows Malayalam?”, I answer most questions as briefly as I could, the message received by Binu.. he shuts up.

With some order restored on the momentum and oscillations and me having experienced the yaw and pitch but not the roll .. Binu starts off again.. and this time I wish the training manager of the spa had emphasized to him (or he chooses to ignore for the sake of convenience or voyeuristic inclinations) that biologically there are certain parts in the male anatomy which respond by expanding ,due to increased blood circulation or are the result of a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors ,having no connection whatsoever with the state of mind (In this case) (Source Wikipedia) , thereby making the last bit of "Wear This" totally useless.. It is a totally and utterly confused state for the subject as the bodily reaction being totally alienated from the mind is difficult to comprehend internally, much less explain to an external agent.. I shall skip over this uncomfortable part but thought it necessary to warn about such incidents...

Ok now having me swooshed around Binu finally decides to give me a head massage.. with the same oyel and I am already mentally shampooing to get rid of the awful stench .. the head massage proves to be better than the experience so far ,helps me relax a bit, calms the confusion in mind accentuated by multi tasking of
a) Finding that elusive relaxation and stress relief and equating the value – price equation where so far the price equals 1100 bucks and value is yet to show an integer above 1
b) Trying to remain within the table
c) Retracting the excessive flow of blood circulation to return to normalcy

Having finished with that , Binu, perspiring himself with the effort of effectively pounding my total surface area, announces “Done Saar”… so fast? Is that all? My mental calculator shows worth equating to approx Rs 500 so far.. but by now I am more eager to get out of here having given up hopes of a customer delight experience anyways!!
I am next cooped up into the aluminum enclosure which is the steam chamber .. I had correctly presumed, the steam does help squeeze out some oyel but I still feel like a newspaper sheet in which the roadside bhajia are wrapped, all oyelie! Binu has gone for his break and I can only pray that he remembers in good time that he has left a guy in the steam chamber, he does remember and me all sweaty and oily emerge, to be immediately asked to rub with a coarse towel. Post which I am then mummified (sans the bandages) in what is explained to me as a Mikschaar of herbs , sandalwood and rose water (Cant smell any of that honestly, may be because there is some of that mud pack inside my nose as well, blocking the olfactory lobes). Having this Mikschaar rubbed on all exposed parts (Which by now is almost entirely, since the “Wear This” is nowhere to be seen or felt), I am whisked away to the attached shower room. Now the process of shower takes away even the faintest reminiscence of Enjoyment, Relaxation, and Rejuvenation that I think I might have felt during the earlier processes. The Mikschaar stubbornly refuses to come out and takes the hardest of rubs to rid of it, which I finally manage in about 15 minutes. The shampoo sachet has failed miserably to obliterate the smell of oyel from hair, I finally emerge, change as quickly as possible to be handed a fresh comb by Binu.. his smiles and courtesy are now breaking the dam, I would be damned if this guy can get a single rupee from me as tips.. but having been a part of the hospitality industry myself and indulging in all things including waiting on tables, being a bus boy to ferry food orders, housekeeping, cooking, kitchen stewarding, I cannot but rationalize that this guy has indeed worked hard, that the guest (Me Me!!) is not leaving with a customer satisfaction has little do with his efforts but due to probably
a) Systemic fault of the process and service itself, which he cannot help
b) Over expectations from the guest …which he cannot help but I definitely would in case there is a next time
c) Post service dissonance of the guest..
d) Over exaggeration of the guest of the whole sordid experience just because he wanted to write a nice long blog…Hmmm… let me think if I can be honest here… nope… I prefer being thought as the victim.. totally cool with it

So Binu does manage to get Rs 100 as tips… and I walk out with a cramp on my left calf…